She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
