Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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