the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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