Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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