there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
