wakey wakey hands off snakey
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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