Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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