my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
