He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
