hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize
