i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
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how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize