people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
