I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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