sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
