It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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