Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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