If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
