life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
