we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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