we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
