I don't usually arrange sex via text message
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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