It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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