we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You can't just leave with hair like that
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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