I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
