so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
