a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
