PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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