I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
