Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Ladies don't puke and tell
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
