Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
