I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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