life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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