so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
