I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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