my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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