Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
