So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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