I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
