People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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