I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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