Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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