just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
only if we run a train.
done.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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