were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Farmville is her only friend.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Randomize
