Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You may now shotgun with the bride
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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