nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize