I'm going to jail i love you
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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