its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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