I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
