When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
