Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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