everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
