I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
