Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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