So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
