I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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