wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
