here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
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I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
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I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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