i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
