omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
