if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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