Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
