Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
