me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
